Feed the Muse

I have been having a very interesting experience while I’ve dealt with pressures at work on the day job, grad school crap, surgeries number 3 of 4 or 5, Corneal Dystrophy with ulcerated corneal abrasion in one eye..My grown daughter returned to husband returning from diployment. Just a whole storm of events that have shaken up the fabric of my personal universe. I haven’t written on my work in progress for a month because of above mentioned excuses.

I know it is more than that. I love the work..but something was bothering me about my writing. My critique partner helped me identify the problem and I think I have a handle on fixing it. But there was a deeper problem in my whole bag of tricks.

I have a strong male pov voice in my writing. I think my heroines pale in comparison. One agent in a gentle rejection commented that my heroine is that ordinary girl next door that is more a prop than real charcter. Okay yes..it stings…but I can’t hate the truth.

I accepted that You know what. Being female doesn’t just give me a free ticket on female pov voice. Damn who would have though it. So being pro-active…I set out to find my female muse. I had to look long and hard for her. She was not easy to pry out of my unconscious mind.

However, she has arrived. I don’t know what is in store for her in the future but I am hopeful. See what you think of her. She has a name but has asked me to keep it quiet for now. She believes names have power and isn’t interested in sharing hers.

She is damaged, some think her shattered even. She fills up the room with her presence just by walking into it. I didn’t plan on that…it just happened. She is funny as hell in a dry ironic sort of way. She has male character arch types combining the Lost Soul and the Bad boy a splash of warrior. Blended with the female crusader. She is vunerable but if you see it she might knife you.

She has very feminine internal thoughts but her dialogue and through processes are very masculine. That is to say…The female content of her thoughts is structured in a masculine organizational pattern. Action/reaction problem/solution. Yet, she is seeking, acceptance, belonging, her place in the universe and a fix for her brokenness.. Although she will never admit to that. Well, I guess I am telling you all this because I’m a little nervous you you meeting her for the first time. I often don’t know what will happen with her. But enough telling…Showing would be in order.


“Eden is all talk, talk, talk.” I look around bored with the whole introduction. “She means well but good lord does the female ever shut up.”

“All and all I am getting used to the working relationship with her. I like that she brings me puzzles and lets me solve them. I like telling her what to do. I told her if she quit listening I’m packin it outta here– So far so good.”

“Okay, I’m the monkey on display in her blog today. What do you people want? I’m not giving you a whole back story monologue of what makes me tick.” *tapping my finger to my temple* “I am not so much into that whole touchie feelie, so why do you say that? crap.”

“Shit happens. Often to the best of people on a good day to the worst of people. Karma, she is a bitch and doesn’t take prisoners last time I noticed.”

*I hear Eden again…*

“Oh dear god she is jabbering at me again.”

EDEN: Tell them …

ME to EDEN: Yeah..”I am talking to your freaky friends. Okay. Now sit there and listen while I get thru this the best I can. I told you about poking at me before. Back story is back story. Take notes if you have to but…just shut it. I didn’t want to be paraded out here like your trick pony but you wouldn’t take no for an answer.”

“Frankly she black mailed me into this. She won’t let me go do what I want to do until I do what she wants me to do. Yeah this symbiotic relationship is a bitch. I’m working on that angle too.”

**thinking. ** ~I have to admit though, I came to her because Eden is a warrior..not unlike myself. She doesn’t know it. She just hasn’t had the right kind of training. Maybe there is something I can to to help straighten her out. Frankly her life is a mess, but she might be worth the effort.~**

“Okay. So I was born in the 1500’s give or take. I fight for a cause. No hell no, I’m not going to yammer on about the frickin cause That was so not part of this deal. Besides if you knew about the battle ahead you’d be in the thick of it and I’d have to deal with you’re security as well. Not a poison I would pick on a good day.”

*I glare at Eden as I hear her unspoken questions rolling in her mind..Keeps her shut up.*

TO EDEN: “Hey I have a big hairy ass mexican spider that I can just as well turn loose in your study as the big guys…Zip it.” * I Motion with my fingers across my lips for her to zip lips*

“Alright Eden, cripes sakes this is it and I am outtie. Here is the down low for your damn eharmony add between me and your people.”

“I play pool… it is an exercise in control and strategy. I drink tequila or corona with lime. Although I won’t turn down a honey brown when I’m feeling introspective. Yada. Yada. Yada. I like knives and sweet guns. Sig is my recent fav. I work security. I have a lot of experience in the entertainment field organizing and protecting talent.”

~I can see your thoughts even though I don’t want to, and shit sometimes….most of the time, I really don’t want to. The multiple voices in my head, when others thoughts intrude, is enough to drive me insane.~

“No I’m not getting you an autograph from Pink. She lets me play drums with her sometimes for kicks. I respect her privacy. Don’t ask again.”

~That feeling your emotions, seeing your thoughts. It’s just part of the ongoing struggle I have to control my urges.~ *I brush my hand against my leather clad thigh.*

“I don’t like walks on the fu*kin beach and gettin caught in the rain is a real downer. Call 1-800 fu*k-you for a date. Okay is that enough 411 for you Eden??
I steel my thoughts so she doesn’t get any indication of my intensions to help her find her happily ever after. I fear the big spider almost as much as her weapons.

She jumps off the couch and heads for the door. I know it was asking a lot of her to share these things about herself. She is as prickly as a cactus. Some think she is unnecessarily violent. I want to tell her to be safe in her journey and the battles she must fight. I want to ask her if she will be back but I feel so damn needy to have to ask her.


~Damn, yammering female.~

Yes I’ll be back. You keep the fridge stocked with beer, tequila in the cabinet and fix me an occasional rare steak.

*sigh* ~Who else is going to straighten out the fu*kin mess you call a life.~

Latrz Eden.

4 responses to “Feed the Muse

  1. Strong and tough and so very vulnerable. A woman you’d want at your side for anything. A woman who’ll earn your respect and win your heart.

    • Oh My Charlie…don’t let her hear you say that. Like I told donthangupthequill below… She is a scary…delicious little beast. But I have no idea what to do with her. Until she is ready to talk I’m stuck. I’ve got nothing to bring to the table until then.

      If she ever does tell me her story I don’t think my next rejection letter will include the comment that my heroine is just a prop…

      In the mean time…eye issues..work issues…family issues…personal issues…job issues….paperwork issues….

      Just full of issues…What the heck kind of word is issues anyway…

      Hope all is well with my friends who love me inspite of me being a puck.

  2. Wow, she’s a handfull. I don’t know whether to be happy that you found her or scared for you. 🙂

    • Well…I don’t either…*laughs* It’s taking me a bit to rope her in but I think I’m wearing her down. She’s just here? I can’t get a story out of her yet…frustrating as hell…She’s filling up the room…and Functioning..formed..intensely complex..opinionated..well you saw her… What the heck do I do with her? She’s not talking about that. Every thing else I have on paper is totally flat. And here she is. I’m sure she has a story but I can’t figure it out. Until she starts talking…I guess I just have to keep feeding her and hopes she keeps coming home.