Thursday thoughts

humm. I am thinking, thinking, thinking perhaps some really deep thoughts. Maybe the thoughts are just self absorbed, moaning prattle.

My creativity has been hiding. I hope it is not broken. I’ve given a lot of thought as to why my muse is on vacation. I don’t necessarily have any answers. Maybe writing this blog will help me find some.

I’ve had this crud sick mess going around and actually missed two days from my day job. During the time off I cleaned my mothers area of the house. That was daunting and frightening all at the same time. I can’t even talk anymore about it. It’s enough said that I toted away four garbage bags of purses to the donation center. Yes there is a reason the show “Hoarders” makes me physically ill.

Last year was very intense. I had a lot of surgery … all elective… all dealing with the after effects of cancer. So it was a good thing.

Family dynamics have been rolling around. We had my oldest daughter with us most of the year because her hubby was in Afganistan serving with the Marines. He is home safe and actually getting ready to ship out again. Daughter is pregnant with their first child. Again, all good.

My mother has been a jonah stone but we are resolving. She is going to move into a senior retirement center in June. She will be happy about it. The family will be happy about it. Yes, She WILL be happy about it. Once again, all good.

Shhhh I have a secret. There is real romance in my life again. shh, not telling. It’s complicated. (lol) However, my facebook status should reveal “in a relationship” ha! All, Very, VERY Good. However, self discovery drawing threads from my whole life into a circle to greater self understanding. humm deep, mysterious, vague…sigh.

On the down side, cause there is always a down side. My day job has been a trauma. Three…no four new bosses hired. My direct supervisor, his supervisor, my program supervisor, and my local county supervisor. All new three of the four this summer. And frankly after doing the day job I have for ohhhh like eight years through all kinds of dis-functional bosses. My bull shit meter is full and I am just not enduring like I used to be able to. enough, maybe too much, said.

And, the romance, like all romance has it’s roller coaster moments. Damn Alphas. And long distance to boot. I have to do something about that distance. So the FB Psychic foresees a lot of travel in my future. Snort. Ms. Obvious.

And Mom’s craziness had a lot of emotion. Do you ever wonder what happens to that guy who sends you the email that he is stranded in South Africa, lost his passport and needs your help? Think everyone is too smart to fall for that?

Well, not everyone. Nuff said. I have two comments for her. American Embassy and TSTL (Too Stupid to Live) Okay I had a lot of words for her but NONE of them are appropriate for this blog. Again, TMI right? lol

So as you see gentle readers…. Who said that? Was it Dear Abby who used to address her peeps as ‘gentle readers’?

Yes, well….anyway, as you see there has been a lot of stress. Good things, bad things, WONDERFUL things, stressful none the less.

So, last year my WIP for 2009 / 2010 contested fairly well. I finaled in two out of the three contests I entered. Not, the Golden Heart but I had good scores overall. Not a final, but not a fiasco.

Then, in January 2010 I plunged into the second of the series, a stand alone but with the same world and secondary characters from 2009’s WIP rising to the forefront for his/her time in the sun.

I had reached the point where I finally felt like I could write a clever story with interesting characters. I felt I found my voice somewhere in 2010.

I had established a relationship with a wonderful critique partner, Charlie, who actually gets me and hears my voice and knows the perfect thing to say to me to help me.  I felt like I had the same emotions for her writing. We had paced each other very well through the second half of 2009 and into 2010.

Then, in May of 2010 things in my writing just kinda unraveled from all the afore mentioned stuff and kept unraveling. I was diagnosed with a genetic eye issue that became a major obstacle. I couldn’t keep pace with Charlie any longer. I didn’t produce pages for the live critique group any more. I didn’t spent my time writing any longer.

It’s like there is a leak in my creativity. I had used writing as an escape from horrible things in the past. Why now does horrible….and good things…..stop me?

I can psychoanalyze myself till he cows leave home. Is it fear of success? Is it a traumatic stress reaction? did it get too hard? Do I start things and never seem them through to completion? AM I TOO Random Abstract? Am I angry? Life isn’t fair. Snort, tell me something new, that’s a lesson I should have figured out long, long ago.

I have learned so much from my association with my critique group, my critique partner, my writing friends, reading blogs, association with (Romance Writers of America) RWA and (First Coast Romance Writers) FCRW

Author Shelby Reed is a friend. She has the most beautiful ‘voice’. I adore her. She and Charlie have done so much to help me learn. She spent an entire afternoon counseling me about my goals and strategy as a writer.

I went pro in 2010 but I know I am not ready to make my goals come to fruition. I can scrap the first four books I’ve written and call them learning experience. I am on the cusp. Now I’ve learned. I need to write and write and write. Yes, of course I need to continue learning…tons. She and I arrived at the perfect strategy for my career. I have the map. I know where I am going.

Judith Ehrlich was the final judge on one of my manuscripts in the Winter Rose contest, sponsored by the Yellow Rose of Texas chapter.

She is brilliant. She took an incredible amount of time with comments and edits on my contest entry. Thankfully most, MOST of what she saw I had already taken care of in edits that occurred while my entry made it’s way through the contest pipeline. However, there were some key elements she saw that I had missed. I realized, OMG I need to fix this thing about my writing. I did diligently apply myself to that endeavor. I had to learn more, integrate it into my skill set. I believe I have.

Okay so where does this diatribe end. I found myself in the middle of writing a book with muddy unclear focus and themes that had rolled along while I was learning, searching and struggling. A hero who is at times dark and scary. I love parts of it. In ways I look at it and it seems written by two different people. I love parts of it. I hate parts of it. I want to fix it. I don’t want to fix it. I can dance the hokey pokey on this one all night long. Hokey pokey conga line with my conflicted emotions. And basically that is what I have done for ohhh eight months.

I admire writer Abigail Sharpe

She DID final in the Golden Heart. She had a similar struggle with her WIP evolving and changing. She stuck with it and wrestled that puppy to the ground and make it call her momma. She was spectacular and glorious in the work and effort she did with her manuscript. I admire the heck out of her. I fail pale and weak in her light. lol I’m not blowing smoke here Abigail.

So, January 2011 came around. I gave myself permission to put that 2010 unfinished mess under the bed and start over. I even wrote about 300 words of a scene that came to me during one of my Eliptical hours. (Me and E dancing together for an hour at the gym to burn calories….Another untold story of suffering…yet I digress.)

The scene seems good, different, not sure where it is going. I have tried to think about it. However 2010 WIP is still there lurking in my mind…whispering…”You know you love us…. we need you…tell our story right….if you would only listen instead of being so damn bossy, I would cooperate….”

Awww. Hell. Do I return to endless purgatory for my characters to punish me? Do I reject the whisperings of an untold story? I know I am not alone in examining these wandering threads of reality.

Call this blog, “I hear voices in my head and I like it”. Or perhaps “Where have all the voices gone…. I miss you.” Psycho mama, is it that I am more afraid to let them out? Will they somehow reveal my own dark holes of brokenness that I’m afraid can’t be fixed?

I don’t really know for sure. Yet, I’m not ready to give up so I continue to incubate. I hold onto the faith that I will come out of the other side of this a better person, a better story teller, a better writer.

One response to “Thursday thoughts

  1. How did I miss seeing this post?

    First, I don’t think I could have wrestled my puppy to the ground and made it call me momma (SO laughed at that) if I hadn’t had the encouragement and support.

    Second, I didn’t know the eye thing was genetic! I thought it was just a fluke and some bad luck. I don’t know if that makes it any better.

    Third, oh, happy day in June for your mother. And what a weight lifted off of you.

    Fourth, yay for relationships! I know you’re not the type to settle so this person must be something really special.

    Fifth, you’re amazing yourself, Eden. All of us have unique traits and talents.